The ‘Book of war, mortification and love’ contains a little note:

Wanna get the full voluntary suffering experience?

Step 1: Write down the page numbers of every page in this book containing the word ‘pain’.

Step 2: Send the page numbers to the publisher and earn the Authentic Martyr Certificate.

A while ago we received this handwritten letter:

Dear Mick, thanks for your letter.

We received plenty of emails which mentioned the correct page numbers, but as a true martyr you were the only one who candidly understood that real sufferers don’t send emails. They write a letter by hand instead. Well done, our compliments.

Additionally we should compliment you with the correct page numbers, you passed the test. Furthermore we appreciate your use of language, deepest hope to be granted the certificate for official martyr-dom (which actually should be martyrdom, but we’ll turn our blind eye to that). If that ain’t enough, you send us your compliments: I absolutely loved the book. The stories sometimes really got to me in an emotional way. Brilliant! We forgot to tell we don’t like to receive compliments, we like to suffer as much as we can. These 2 sentences almost destroyed your achievement, but we will be generous with you.

Handwritten & correct page numbers & correct language. Well, well, well. Scoring 3 out of 3 means you’re the only person ever to sincerely deserve the Authentic Martyr Certificate. Please find it enclosed in this envelop. In case you’re hoping to receive a nicely designed certificate, you should have known better. True sufferers are proud to have a Microsoft Word template on their wall, which reminds them every day of their god damn life that suffering is learning.

Keep suffering!

Underware